


No Apologies Needed

by aflawedfashion



Category: Defiance (TV)
Genre: F/M, Family, Female Friendship, Friendship, Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 19:10:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10646220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aflawedfashion/pseuds/aflawedfashion
Summary: A continuation of the scene in which Irisa breaks down in front of the militia in season 3. Amanda takes Irisa away from the crowd, they drink, and they resolve the events of the season 2 finale.





	No Apologies Needed

“I’m sorry,” Irisa whispered through tears as Amanda helped her navigate through the throngs of people who gathered to watch the militia only to have their attention diverted by Irisa’s unexpected breakdown. Amanda thought that getting Irisa away from the militia would be enough to protect her. She hadn’t realized their audience would be worse.

“Murderer,” a voice whispered from the crowd.

“Destroyer,” another shouted.

With each new insult thrown at Irisa, Amanda flinched, but Irisa had stopped reacting.

Their vile words were tearing into Amanda while she held Irisa tightly against her side as if she could protect her from them. It made her sick that these people, her people, focused on Irisa like she was an animal in a zoo rather than a person deserving of their empathy. Her trauma was their spectacle.

Disgusted with the people around them, Amanda looked into Irisa's eyes, hoping to reassure her, but her eyes were glazed over as she stared straight ahead, not focusing on any single person.

Amanda desperately wished she could comfort her, but Irisa hardly responded to her touch. Any comfort Amanda could hope to provide was drowned out by glares and angry mutterings directed at a legend who destroyed the Earth Republic, a legend they believed was refusing to stand up for her own town.

But that legend wasn’t Irisa. Amanda knew the truth even if these people didn’t.

“I’m sorry,” Irisa mumbled once again, and Amanda’s heart was breaking for her. Those two words seemed to be all she could manage.

“I know,” Amanda whispered, squeezing Irisa’s arm. “Don’t let these people get to you.”

Irisa nodded almost imperceptibly before stiffening as the crowd behind them shouted, and Amanda turned her head to see Nolan raising his arm in the air, uniting the militia against their common enemy. The corners of Amanda’s mouth twitched slightly into a sad smile. She hated that he had to do this, but he was the only person in this town she could depend on to keep her people from turning on her, on the town, or on each other.

As Amanda watched the crowd behind them, Irisa abruptly stopped walking, and Amanda turned to find a man standing in front of them, the smell of cheap whisky radiating from his body.

“We’re walking here,” Amanda said, putting herself between him and Irisa, but he paid no attention to Amanda as his eyes slowly ran the length of Irisa’s body, his face contorted into a look of disgust.

Amanda wanted to punch him in the face, wrap Irisa in her arms, and get her away from these people, but she knew she had to control her temper. She reminded herself that she was the mayor, and the mayor was required to show patience and understanding when her people were frustrated, even when she didn’t think they deserved it.

“Do you want something?” Amanda asked in her best mayoral tone, her hand curling into a fist at her side.

“What happened to the destroyer?” he slurred.

“I’m not her,” Irisa said weakly, barely holding back her tears as she spoke.

“Yes, you are.” He inched closer to her. “The whole world saw the destruction you can cause if you really want to. And no-” 

“Hey.” Amanda pressed her hand against his chest, stopping him from taking another step towards Irisa. “Enough.” 

The man arched his eyebrows, and took a stumbling step towards Amanda, standing so close to her that she almost gagged at the smell his breath. “And you, our leader, you’re defending her.” He pointed an unsteady hand at Irisa without taking his eyes off of Amanda. “This woman is a murderer,” he hissed, his face moving even closer to Amanda’s, but she didn’t flinch, didn’t give in to his attempt at intimidation.

“I said enough,” Amanda hissed through gritted teeth, her eyes locked onto his.

“No. I’m not letting you off that easy.” His voice rose with each word. “If you’re going to let a killer wander our streets, she should at least be some use to us. She should kill for _us_!” 

“That wasn’t her, and you know it.” Amanda could barely contain her anger, her fist so tightly clenched that her nails were digging into the skin of her palm.

“Oh please, our mayor the liar. Protecting an alien barbarian because you’re hot for her father.”

“She’s a person, same as you.”

“Don’t you dare compare me to that… that… monster!” 

As soon as the last word slurred off his tongue, Amanda could no longer pretend he deserved her respect, and she slapped him across the face, sending him tumbling to the ground. It was an impulsive move she knew she shouldn't have made, but it felt good. She was the mayor, but Irisa was as much a citizen of her town as he was, and she was the one who needed Amanda to stand up for her in that moment.

“He’s right,” Irisa said, stepping forward as the man sat stunned on the ground. “I have to fight. After everyone I hurt, I have to fight for you.” Her fingers ran shakily across the tops of the knives strapped to her leg. “I have to help.”

“Finally, some sense!” The man yelled, pushing himself off the ground.

The man had barely regained his footing when Amanda shoved him backwards. “Are you happy?” she shouted. “You made your point. She heard all the vile things you have to say, and she listened. Now get out of here before I have you arrested for public drunkenness.” 

“One more thi-” 

“Go!” Amanda yelled, cutting off his words as she pointed in the opposite direction. 

Taking a step backwards in shock, the man narrowed his eyes and looked her up and down. Amanda arched her eyebrows, silently daring him to take another step towards her. She didn’t fear him, and luckily for him, he made the smart choice. He stood up as straight as he could manage, running a hand through his hair. “Thank you, Madam Mayor,” he slurred as he stumbled away.

Amanda glared in his direction, refusing to let her guard down until he was out of sight in case he dared think of turning around and harassing them again. She stood in silence, her body rigid with the anger that was still flowing through her until he turned the corner and her shoulders fell.

Taking in a deep breath to calm herself, she turned her attention back to Irisa. “I’m sorry about that.” 

“You weren’t the one shouting in my face.” 

“I know, but you shouldn’t have to hear that. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” Amanda looked to the side, regret seeping into her body as the adrenaline left. “I should have gotten rid of him sooner.”

“No.” Irisa shook her head. “He’s right. He knows exactly what he’s talking about.” 

“He’s drunk.”

“That doesn't make him wrong… I’m sorry,” Irisa repeated, once again breaking down with a sob. “I'm sorry I killed so many people, and I'm sorry I'm letting you all down again.”

“Hey, it’s ok. You heard what your father said. Everyone heard him.” Amanda wrapped her arms around Irisa, pressing her against her chest. “Don't let one drunk jackass make you feel any worse. He's afraid, and he doesn't understand. Anyone who would say those things about you doesn't know you like I do.”

For a moment, Irisa didn't say anything else and silence passed between them. As Irisa's body relaxed against hers, Amanda thought she had gotten through to her, but then Irisa whispered, “You tried to shoot me too.” 

Amanda squeezed her eyes shut, unprepared for a discussion she knew they should have had long ago. “I know, and now it's my turn to say that I'm sorry,” she said, taking Irisa’s shoulders in her hands, forcing her to look her in the eyes. 

“Don't be sorry. You were right.” Irisa was barely holding Amanda's gaze.

“No, you listen. I  _ never  _ wanted to kill you. I was stalling, stopping the E-Rep from shooting you on sight, hoping Nolan's plan would work. Yes, I held the gun, and I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I didn't know I may have needed to pull the trigger if Nolan's plan hadn't worked, but It wasn't about you. I just knew that whatever was controlling you had to be stopped before it could kill anyone else. And it has been stopped. It's over and nothing I, or anyone else, did last year to stop what was controlling you had anything to do with you as a person. Understand?”

Irisa nodded, but she looked away, betraying her lingering doubt. Amanda wanted to repeat herself to see if there was some combination of words that would make Irisa feel better, but she knew the self doubt that Irisa was wrestling with couldn't be cured so easily.

“Come on.” Amanda wrapped her arm around Irisa’s shoulders, leading her to the NeedWant. “I'll make you some tea.”

“Tea?” Irisa asked as they walked. “You really think tea can make this ok?”

No.” Amanda laughed softly. “Tea’s not really the type of beverage to fix anything.” Amanda paused, raising her eyebrows as she turned to face Irisa. “Ever tried scotch?”

\---

“Did you really need to knock that man down?” Irisa asked as she settled into the sofa next to Amanda in the back of NeedWant. “You slapped him pretty hard.”

“I get protective of the people I care about.” Amanda shrugged, trying to downplay her actions as she handed Irisa a glass of scotch. “Plus, he deserved it.” 

Amanda smiled at Irisa, trying to convey the truth behind her words, but Irisa swiftly dropped her eyes to her glass, silently looking into her scotch like it held the world’s secrets.

“Yes, I care about you,” Amanda said, answering Irisa's unstated question. 

Irisa flashed a light smile in Amanda’s direction before once again averting her gaze. Amanda knew she meant it as a friendly gesture, but in that brief moment, Irisa’s large, expressive eyes betrayed every bit of her self loathing, and Amanda’s heart broke for her for the millionth time that day. 

“It’ll get better,” Amanda said, her brow furrowed as she desperately searched for the right words to say, needing to alleviate Irisa’s suffering in any small way she could. “In time, everything gets better. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but it will, and until then, you can talk to me.” Amanda searched Irisa’s face, hoping she would say something, react in any way, but she didn't. “Talking about it might help.” 

Irisa sat immobile and silent for what felt like an eternity to Amanda before saying, “We came here to drink, not talk.” She gulped down half the contents of her glass, leaving Amanda shifting in her seat, feeling as awkward as a teenager with no idea what to say next. Then a grimace overtook Irisa’s face as she set her glass down, and Amanda couldn’t stop herself from laughing. “In your 20s and you’ve never tried scotch?”

“I've had alcohol,” Irisa said, squinting as she struggled to regain her composure. “But not scotch. It’s more of a human thing.” She took another tentative sip. This time she didn’t recoil.

“No.” Amanda held her glass under her nose, closing her eyes as she took in the familiar aroma. “Scotch is universal.”

“I don’t think so,” Irisa said, looking directly into Amanda's eyes as she leaned against the back of the sofa, glass in hand. “I  _ am _ trying to be better.”

“What?” Amanda asked, unprepared for the sudden seriousness in Irisa’s voice.

“I don’t want to disappoint everyone anymore. I want to be better. I’m trying, but I don't think I ever will be.”

“You will be, trust me.” Amanda rested her hand on Irisa’s knee, gently caressing it with her thumb. “You can’t force it to happen today, but it will happen over time.”

“And until then?”

“Until then there's scotch.” They clinked their glasses together in a toast that Amanda had meant as a lighthearted gesture, but as she pulled the glass away from her lips, she realized her mistake. “On second thought, that is terrible advice. There are ways in which I am not the best example to follow. Scotch is good for tonight, but long term, you definitely want to to find a different coping mechanism.”

For the first time that evening, a genuine smile crossed Irisa’s face. There was nothing left to be said as the music playing at the bar came into focus, but Amanda couldn't quite understand the meaning behind the Castithan lyrics, catching little more than some familiar words and phrases. She knew she should be more fluent than she was, but it had been a long time since she had a chance to study the language. 

“Do you speak Castithan?” Amanda asked.

“Yes, but not well. Best I can tell this song is about a man who wants to sleep with a plant.”

Amanda arched her eyebrows.

“Like I said, I don't speak it well. It might be a metaphor… I hope it is.”

Amanda laughed as she reached for the bottle to refill their glasses. For the next hour, they drank, talking about everything and nothing. It was the longest conversation Amanda had ever had with Irisa, but she resolved not to let it be the last.

“Thank you,” Irisa said, her eyes drifting closed, glass tilting in her hand.

“You’re welcome,” Amanda said as she took the glass from Irisa and softly set it on the table, trying to muffle the sound of glass hitting wood. She had never thought of Irisa as someone who needed protecting. Irisa always seemed strong, stronger than Amanda ever felt, but as Amanda watched her drift into sleep, she was reminded of so many nights spent in this bar with Kenya. Like Irisa, Kenya always appeared strong to the outside world, but when she was alone with her thoughts, her past tormented her. And like with Kenya, Amanda resolved to be strong and listen whenever Irisa needed her.

With Irisa at peace, at least for the moment, Amanda closed her eyes, the sound of the music fading away as she curled her legs under her body and fell asleep.

“Hey,” Amanda heard Nolan whisper, his thumb caressing the side of her hand, gently urging her to wake up. 

“Morning,” she whispered as she blinked the sleep out of her eyes, taking a moment to remember why she was asleep on a sofa in the NeedWant.

“Saw you two back here last night. Didn't think you'd still be here this morning. She ok?” he asked as he knelt beside her.

Amanda glanced at Irisa who was sound asleep with her head resting on Amanda's lap, a mop of red hair covering her face. “She will be.”

“Thank you for getting her out of the street and taking care of her,” he whispered. 

“You don’t have to thank me for that.”

“You spent the night sleeping on a sofa with my daughter,” Nolan whispered, smiling with a happiness so contagious she couldn't help but return the wide grin. “That deserves a thank you.” 

Amanda shook her head. “I care about her too, and we needed to talk about last year. I needed her to know what happened wasn't about her.” Amanda placed her hand beneath her chin, leaning lazily into it as she looked into Nolan’s eyes. “I promise I wasn’t corrupting her young, impressionable mind.”

“Oh.” Nolan nodded, his eyes sparkling with amusement. “I think that ship has long sailed. Besides, I trust you with her. You don’t have to explain yourself to me.” 

“You trust me…” Amanda didn't know if it was a question or a statement.

His brow knotted in confusion as he spoke without hesitation. “Of course.”

Amanda fought to keep the smile on her face, but she could feel it cracking. “You don’t trust anyone,” she repeated his own mantra, trying to keep her voice light, as if she were teasing.

Nolan took a deep breath, looking towards the ceiling as he whispered, “I did say that, didn't I?”

“Yeah, you did.”

“Well,” he said as he brushed her disheveled hair aside, “you're not just anyone. You and Irisa are exceptions.” His fingers lingered behind her jaw, lightly touching her skin as his thumb caressed her earlobe. “But I think you and I need to talk about last year too.” He paused, searching her face. “And not just about what happened with Irisa, but we can start there.”

“Shouldn’t you start with the easy topic first,” she said, scrunching her face in an attempt at returning the levity to the conversation, “especially this early in the morning?”

“I am,” he said with such sincerity Amanda’s stomach fluttered with nerves. “With Irisa, I know exactly why you did the things you did. I got frustrated that you didn’t take my side because you were my only hope in a room full of E-Rep, but when I said I understood that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, that was the truth. Even then, I knew I was reckless, and the things I did were desperate, not smart, but I didn’t care. All I cared about was getting to Irisa.”

“And you did. You saved her,” Amanda said, fighting the urge to move closer to him, knowing it would wake Irisa. “That’s all that matters.” 

“But if she weren’t my daughter, I would have been the one with the gun in my hands, not you. That's why I forgave you as soon as it was over… that's why there was nothing to forgive.”

“You did punch Pottinger in the face.”

“Oh, so  _ I _ need forgiving.” Nolan laughed under his breath as he ran a hand through his beard, trying to stay as quiet as possible. “But he deserved it, and knowing what I know now, I wish I would have kicked him a few times while he was down.”

“And Doc Yewll?”

“She put the EGO in your neck, cloned your sister, and then lied to you by covering for your rapist entirely so she could get personal favors from the E-Rep. She deserved it too.”

“But you didn't know that then.”

Nolan gently shook his head as he rolled his eyes. “Fine, next time I see her, I'll be sure to tell her that I was being an asshole that day, but after new information, I am not entirely sorry.”

“Just make sure I'm there to see her face when you do.”

“Of course.”

Amanda smiled as Nolan moved his hand to the back of her neck, looking at her with such intensity that her heart beat faster. She knew without a doubt where the second half of their conversation was going.

“And then there’s-” 

“Wait.” Amanda cut off his words with the need to explain herself before she could move on. “I know you think there's nothing to forgive, but I want you to know that I stalled as best I could,” she said, beginning a story she had just told to Irisa, a story she had rehearsed in the shower time after time and yet still found herself struggling to tell. “I kept Pottinger from taking the gun away from me and trying to take the shot himself. I held on to hope until the last second that you would succeed in saving her.” 

Amanda looked down, wishing she had been able to think of something else that day or at least found a way to talk to Nolan in private. With a room full of E-Rep watching their every move, preventing her from being completely honest with him, she made a decision. She did what she thought was right, but she never imagined it would be so long before she had the chance to talk about it with him.

“Amanda.” He placed a finger under her jaw, lifting her face so that she was looking into his eyes. “I understand.”

“Thank you,” she said, tears threatening to form in her eyes as a weight was lifted off her shoulders. When Nolan escaped from the mines, he took his badge back like nothing had happened between them. She was the mayor, and he was her lawkeeper just as it was supposed to be. They fell into a routine, working side by side, closer and more in sync than ever, but deep down Amanda worried she had ruined any chance of their relationship ever being anything more. 

“See,” he said through a smile so radiant she felt like everything was right with the universe and always would be. “I told you this would be the easy part of the conversation.” 

“Yeah.” 

“And then there’s us,” he said, his smile fading into a serious expression.

“The hard part of this conversation.” 

He nodded, taking a nervous breath before speaking. “There is something I should have told you a long time ago, but I didn't think you wanted to hear it. I thought you wanted something or  _ someone _ else, but I should have said it even if you never said anything back.”

Amanda wrapped her hand around Nolan’s arm, gripping it tightly. “There's no one else.” She shifted to her side, leaning closer to Nolan. “Nolan, I tell you everything else. I don’t know why it’s so hard to just say that I-” With the words to describe what she felt for him on the tip of her tongue, she froze, closing her eyes as she felt Irisa wake up and move from her lap. “Shit,” she mumbled.

“Did we sleep here?” Irisa asked, her voice heavy and tired.

Nolan smiled apologetically at Amanda as they both turned their attention to Irisa who was pulling herself into an upright position.

“Hey, kiddo,” Nolan said. “You ok?”

“Fine,” Irisa said, squeezing her eyes closed. “But my head is pounding.” 

Nolan looked from Irisa to the half empty bottle of scotch on the table before focusing on Amanda. “Did you just give my daughter her first hangover?”

“It’s a rite of passage.”

“Uh… huh.” Nolan nodded skeptically as an amused grin crossed his face.

“I’m not hung over,” Irisa said. 

“Have you ever been hungover?” Nolan asked.

“No.” 

“Then how do you know?” 

“Amanda’s not hung over, and she drank at least as much as I did.” 

“She’s a professional.” 

“Hey,” Amanda said, slapping the side of Nolan’s arm. 

Nolan laughed, a deep, sincere laugh she hadn’t heard from him in too long. “Don’t pretend it’s not true.”

“Hmph,” Amanda replied, slouching into the corner of sofa.

“Come on, let’s go get breakfast. We can find you your first hangover food.” 

“I am not hung over,” Irisa said, her hand covering her face as she turned away from the lights.

“Yes, you are,” Nolan and Amanda said in unison.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Parts of this fic were inspired by Julie's quotes:**  
>  I think in some ways, once again, Amanda felt that she could buy some time and figure out how to save the world and save Irisa. I think she honestly felt that Nolan could somehow figure it out too.  
> Nolan understands Amanda and the choices that she makes. Amanda doesn’t do anything that’s not fair, that’s not right. Her decision to have Nolan arrested had to happen. She was the one who offered to shoot Irisa. Amanda has a history of not being able to pull the trigger. In many ways, she wanted to take on that responsibility, hoping that Nolan would come up with a plan to save the world and figure something out. She’s not trigger-happy, but she knew if she had to do it, she would at the very last minute if something else didn’t happen. I think he understands that about her. 
> 
> **And Grant's quote:**  
>  Nolan's entire plan in episode 13 is this: If there is a way not to kill Irisa to save everybody, he'll do that. If there's not, if anybody is going to kill Irisa, and this is I think what is running through his head the whole time, it'll be him.


End file.
